Saying goodbye is the hardest part / la despedida

Here I am, on the plane ride back to the United States. My year-long study abroad experience has ended, and I feel … as if my heart has been ripped out. This whole week has been quite a struggle for me. My mother finally came to visit me, which I was so excited for, but I struggled to balance showing her around and studying for finals. On top of all of that, I wanted to do enjoy the last week I had in Sevilla with the people I love. So, as any other person in my situation would, I got no sleep!

It was the hardest week of my life. No exaggeration. Not one bit. Often times, as I was walking to school by myself, I would start to tear up. When Darby, Nuria, Olga, and I would chat at the table during meals, we would all start to tear up. My mom even cried when she left a day before me to go to Madrid! Because she has had a taste of what it’s like to live in Sevilla – to just live life and sit there, taking it all in. I’ve been in a constant funk, wondering how can I even go back to reality? How can I go back to the States, learning what I’ve learned here and living how I’ve lived here? It’s not an experience I can easily explain, especially to someone who hasn’t been abroad for a whole year, but I will try.

Spring semester in Sevilla has been the most incredible semester of my life. The weather may not have been as warm as it should have been, but the sun shined bright for me the last month. At the beginning of the semester, I cut my hair and got bangs. The moments where I just sat by the river were some of my favorites. Moreover, Semana Santa and la Feria were amazing cultural experiences that I’ll never forget.

Of course, there are so many people who have touched my heart and have taught me so many lessons. For one, I may have mentioned this in a previous post, but my host mom often tells me, “Hay que trabajar para vivir, no vivir para trabajar,” which means literally, “You have to work to live, not live to work.” I don’t want to say that I’ve become “lazy” with school, but now I realize that there are so many more important things other than grades. While I’m not working right now, my “job” is currently being a student. I’ve always been a good student, but sometimes I feel that I have to sacrifice time that I could’ve spent developing relationships with others or doing something fun. Now, I have this mentality to really value the time I spend with others and having genuine conversations. Grades are in the background for me. If you think about it, we spend a small portion of our lives in school and our GPAs, in the end, do not reflect the people that we are. Also, of course, the main goal of my whole year was to learn Spanish. I’m very confident in my abilities now to speak and listen. I still make mistakes every now and then, but a year in Sevilla has been worth it.

I wanted to take time to write a little something to the specific people who have made an impression on me and who have helped shaped my experience this semester. I don’t normally put things like this online, but it’s my way of remembering the people I’ve met. This is more for me to be able to process leaving than for the people who read these blogs.

• Obviously, I’m going to include my host moms, Nuria and Olga, in this list. I’m going to be writing a separate post to them though. They have definitely been one of my favorite parts of this semester. I will forever cherish the conversations we have during meals and the advice that they’ve given me about life, love, and traveling.

• My roommate, Darby: I’m so lucky that I’ll get to see you again at Saint Mary’s. I always love going out with you, especially those three “chill nights” we had hahaha. You’re so fun, and I love your sense of adventure. I certainly wouldn’t have enjoyed this semester as much without you. I also love that we can talk about being mixed Asian women. I love you!

• My intercambio, Laura, from last semester: Even though we didn’t see each other much this semester, I am so thankful for everything we shared last semester. It was so fun hanging out with you and Barry and Estrella. You really pushed me to practice Spanish, and I appreciate that so much. You’re the best, and good luck becoming a doctor!

• Reanna: Girl, I wish we had time to go out and travel together more. I love hanging out with you because you’re so authentic and chill. You have great taste in music and style, and I love talking about Filipino culture with you. There’s so much I still don’t know. I love that I can always come to you for anything. Good vibes permeate from you.

• Joaquín and Carlos (and Julio): Putting Julio in parenthesis because we only hung out once this semester! I’m going to miss you all so much. You guys are a blast, and I’m so happy to have known you guys. Besides practicing Spanish, going to Plan B and Alfalfa was so fun. Thanks for teaching me slang and other bad words and thank you for having genuine conversations with me. I’ll make sure to see you all again when I visit Spain in the future.

• The Spanish Studies Abroad staff: Again, I’m so thankful for the kindness that everyone has shown me at el Centro Norteamericano! You all are so sweet, and you never leave me without an answer. Thank you for helping me when I needed it.

• Nick, Clarissa, and Ty: I wish I could’ve given you all a better goodbye before I left, so this is what I would’ve said instead. @ Nick, thanks for talking to Darby that first night so I could’ve met you and Aaron and, therefore, everyone else. You’re so funny, and I hope that you find that perfect girl haha. Take care of yourself, and you should spend more time exploring the world with Ty and Aaron. @ Clarissa, so happy to have met you! Turn up for me girl! You’re gorgeous, and I’ll miss the moments sitting in the sun with you in Utrera. @ Ty, you’re awesome for being so enthusiastic and genuine and fun. You have so many cool life experiences, and I’m happy you shared them with me. You’ve taught me a lot of things, and I’m grateful for that. Plus, I love gushing about kpop and yoga with you.

• Aaron: You already know how much you mean to me. I’ve treasured every moment with you. I’m grateful for every trip, for every walk, for everything that we’ve taken together. I cherish our conversations together. Listening to your perspective on life has given me a reason to continue exploring the unknown and what’s out there. Your spontaneity and lust for life make you a person that everyone just wants to be around. You are one of a kind, and I promise that we’ll see each other again.

If you’ve made it to the end of this super long post, thanks for bearing with me. It’s going to be hard to go back. In reality, I know that this isn’t a goodbye, but really an hasta luego. Is it ever just the place that you fall in love with? I've found that the people are the ones who make you fall in love with a place.